Motivated Staff
All offices have a guillotine. Ours is a genuine 19th century killing device and it isn’t used for trimming paper.
Every Tuesday at 3.30 pm the entire workforce sits in fearful silence as the tannoy crackles to life and the woman from HR announces the name of the latest victim of the Staff Pruning Project. He or she is dragged into the Training Room, stripped of their company badge and beheaded. The lifeless carcass is slung from the window into a pit full of giant carnivorous frogs.
It’s a very effective motivational tool. Productivity is up 4,000% since the contraption was wheeled onto the premises just one month ago. A few people tried to escape (the useless wretches). They were soon rounded up and neatly despatched. Since then the doors have been barred and those who remain have been chained to our benches. I think it’s fair.
Some of us have got a sweepstake going. The odds are geting better by the week. I won nearly fifty pounds when I accurately predicted that Alan was for the chop. He'd been hiding in a cupboard for fifteen years.
Shhhh listen... can you hear the tannoy?
Funnily enough, I've got one of those. I borrowed it with permisssion but
they never asked for it back. I knew things had changed for the worst when
they altered the name of the staff personnel department to human resources
and they stopped calling me Nurse Undeniable and started calling me
employee 5460. I'm secretly planning to kidnap and terrorise each and
everyone of them. Thanks for reminding me about the guillotine, it'll come
in very useful.
I have one of them at home, it really is useful for keeping your Husband in
line. Ever since my husband had to be taught a lesson on fidelity, I have
had no marital problems with him. Little Jim as we fondly call him or
"Stumpy" as his friends and workmates call him. His girl friends head we
keep on the Mantle piece as a money box. That's the only Box? he need worry
about.