Ashmash
I Wrote This Nonsense
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The Rubbish That People Seem To Like The Most
You Can Look At Old Entries. How Exciting Is That?
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Some Other Wasters
September 2006
Chance Meeting With An Archbishop In A Chip Shop
Thursday, 28 September 2006 7:26 P GMT
Startled, I looked up and there he was, seven-foot-three in his Archbishop’s hat, half silhouetted in front of the chip fryer strip-light. With staff in one hand and sausage in batter in the other, it was like a vision from an old Charlton Heston mov
Pioneering Communication Between Moth And Human Results In Murder
Monday, 25 September 2006 12:51 P GMT
His wild dance was spelling out the first words ever said by a moth to a human: "You've left your fridge open again." It was true. I had left my fridge open...
Home Improvements (For Under A Tenner!)
Thursday, 21 September 2006 10:33 P GMT
Open plan is all the vogue so I knocked down all my external walls. I now have a lovely view of the garden, but I’ve used up 31 bags of salt repelling slugs...
Go Large? No Thanks, They Might Want To Film My Stools
Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:18 A GMT
They had an ‘expert' who took a distasteful amount of relish telling her that she was going to die, and then made her do a poo in a Tupperware pot.
New Equipment For Budding Archaeologists
Tuesday, 19 September 2006 11:12 A GMT
I am cashing in on the public's fascination at our rich history with my new archaeology kit. Priced at just fifty pounds, it includes an old trowel, some wellies (size 11), a stick-on comedy beard and a treasure map of Britain...
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It's For Your Own Safety
Monday, 18 September 2006 1:10 P GMT
As from today all short people under the age of 12 are required to use booster seats in cars. The law comes sixty years too late for my Auntie who, in 1943, was a passenger in the car my granddad crashed into the munitions factory in Woolwich...
Ring A Ring A Roses Was About The Plague
Wednesday, 13 September 2006 4:20 P GMT
According to a load of experts, children are being robbed of the innocent joys of childhood by marketing, fast food and video games. The modern world, they claim, is turning our youngsters into fat, lazy, stupid, manic depressants...
Thoughts On Being A Right-On Intellectual
Tuesday, 12 September 2006 5:07 A GMT
I am a right-on intellectual. Therefore I like to drop Kafka into conversation at every possible opportunity: “Oh yeah man, my Nan just like turned into a fish one day and we had to lock her in her room until she died. Man it was just like Kafka”.