Ashmash

August 2007



Fancy Dress

Wednesday, 29 August 2007 4:06 P GMT
Granddad liked to attend funerals dressed as a Viking warrior. He’d put on a real show, bellowing war cries through an enormous stick-on ginger beard...

Pilot Required For Home Made Space Ship

Friday, 17 August 2007 12:43 P GMT
I need to find a very special person; someone with a sense of adventure, self-discipline and no fear of danger… so I’ve placed an advert in...

Morris Dancing

Thursday, 16 August 2007 3:39 P GMT
The traditional scenes of lumbering middle-aged beer swillers harmlessly throwing hankies at each other are a thing of the past. Morrising has been infiltrated by the mob.

Help Overstretched Ambulance Crews

Wednesday, 15 August 2007 1:22 P GMT
Our binge culture is placing an unreasonable burden on our noble NHS paramedics, who have effectively become a free taxi service for inebriates. The solution is obvious: open a club in A&E...

Terracotta Warriors

Wednesday, 8 August 2007 11:08 P GMT
Whilst digging the vegetable patch yesterday I unearthed 8,000 life-sized terracotta warriors. Bizarrely, they all look remarkably like Bruce Forsyth. With all that clay in the soil it’s no wonder the tomatoes have been struggling...

Solar Powered Mobility Buggy Causes Me To Run A Cyclist Over

Friday, 3 August 2007 5:04 P GMT
All of my favourite hobbies (arson, commercial logging and whaling) damage Mother Earth in one way or another. I was determined to make a green gesture...