Ashmash
I Wrote This Nonsense
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The Rubbish That People Seem To Like The Most
You Can Look At Old Entries. How Exciting Is That?
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Some Other Wasters
August 2006
Confession
Wednesday, 30 August 2006 6:32 P GMT
I have secretly been sending relatives stuffed animals through the post. It started by chance (as these hobbies tend to!) when a boar’s head fell on me in a charity shop. Virtually leapt off the wall it did. I reasoned that such a freakish inciden
A Solution To Obese England
Friday, 25 August 2006 2:00 P GMT
As a child, I had a reoccurring nightmare in which a very fat person crushed me to death on a train. Thus news of expert predictions that by 2010, 13 million people in England will be obese has caused me some distress...
Ozone Baby
Thursday, 24 August 2006 1:25 P GMT
According to top boffins, the hole in the ozone layer is getting smaller. This is very good news. I like to think I’ve done my bit to help: I haven’t worn deodorant since 1995; I burned my collection of breakfast serial boxes; and for the past three
'V' for Festival
Wednesday, 23 August 2006 1:54 P GMT
Festival veterans all agree that there is nothing worse than needing a crap after the first day. I am more than happy to trade a deeply distressing visit to the pit for mild constipation, and am proud to report that my special diet (stodgy food
How To Slow Down Time
Monday, 14 August 2006 12:02 P GMT
Mixed results from my experiments into reversing the ageing process. Inspired by a Captain Birdseye advert, I’ve been sitting in the fridge for a fortnight. I’ve only aged a week, but who wants to live to 144 in a fridge?
Smothering myse
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The Bizarre Story Of Uncle Albert
Monday, 7 August 2006 10:56 P GMT
One of the more bizarre episodes in my uncle Albert's life came in 1974 when he appeared on Mastermind, aged 63.
His specialist subject was Picasso, The Dark Period: Sunday 31st March 1934 - Monday 1st April 1934. It was a rather narrow theme for
A Pint And A Punch Up
Monday, 7 August 2006 1:59 P GMT
Much media interest today in the new Rising Sun Anger Release Bar in Nanjing. There customers can vent life’s frustrations by beating up the staff who, obligingly, will dress up as their boss, wife or plumber.
I would have one dres
Alien Life. Conclusive Proof
Monday, 7 August 2006 12:00 A GMT
The existence of life beyond Earthly shores has finally been conclusively proven. NASA documents released today reveal that the last message received from Voyager I, before it disappeared into the vastness of space carrying nothing but directions to
An Exciting Career In HM Secret Service Beckons
Sunday, 6 August 2006 11:48 P GMT
I have decided to join the SOE as a code-breaker. Apparently they advertise all the time, but in code.
The other day I responded to an ad in The Angling Times, which read: “Toads, fifty mating pairs pickled in brine. £2.42. Call Derek
A Breakthrough In Fish Derived Ear Fashion
Sunday, 6 August 2006 11:39 P GMT
I am sporting a pair of 'ear-eels', my new invention. They are like ear-muffs but are made completely out of crabsticks. They are discrete, fashionable, suitable for vegetarians (as they contain no beef) and, surprisingly...