I once had a hot water tank with a genie in it. I wasted my first wish on a jar of pickled onions the size of Shropshire (I'm nearly drowned in the vinegar), and my second wish on a brick hat that could float.
They say that drinking red wine is good for you. I've drunk fifteen bottles this week and feel terrible. Maybe there are long-term benefits, but who wants to live to 110 not being able to speak or stand up?
If you're a thrill seeker you'll definitely want to visit my new theme park. Harold Wilson World is an extravaganza of nail-biting rides all based on the enigmatic Labour leader.
Sadly, we haven't found either Nan's body or her will yet, but I did find some interestingly shaped pebbles on the beach and £3 11s 2d in her cupboard, which I plan to spend in the antiques shop.