Hunter Gatherer
What am I doing sitting at a desk all day wearing a suit and being polite to people? Genetically I’m a predator and I have a strong urge to burn down parts of Essex.
It is an irresolvable conflict and instinct is getting the better of me. Last week my patience snapped and I went on a rampage, hunting down my prey as nature indented. I must have shocked the nice people in Marks & Spencer as I sat in the corner tearing into a precooked chicken drumstick twin-pack. It’s the closest thing M&S sell to a live Gazelle.
When I’d finished I ran out with a female mannequin dressed in beachwear under my arm. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up a day later in the public park, naked and shamed, but feeling fulfilled in an animalistic sort of way.
It’s not just me is it?
No, you are not alone, dear Ashmash.
I frequently feel the urge to mount the statues of great historical figures while eating a kebab. Normally that's on a Saturday night but occasionally, it's on a Monday morning when I'm already late for work.