Another Great British Film

I’ve always wanted to be in the movies and it’s finally coming true.  For the last three weeks I’ve been starring in my own film, The Life And Death of Billy The Lemon.

Billy is a brilliant scientist who discovers the secrets of time travel, but is ignored by a scientific community more fascinated by the fact that his body resembles an enormous citrus fruit.

I shan’t give too much of the plot away but suffice it to say that it ends tragically when he is chopped to pieces by a malevolent gang of physicists and squeezed over an enormous pancake.

Obviously I have cast myself in the lead role and I have drafted in friends and my plumber to play the other parts. 

As I have no budget, crew or cameras, I’ve been relying on Britain’s sinister network of surveillance cameras to do all the filming.  I have already written to the police, the council, and my dentist to demand copies of all surveillance footage featuring a human lemon behaving strangely.  It should arrive any day now. 

Then all I’ll have to do is splice all the footage together, stick a bit of narrative over the top and hey presto, the movie’s in the bag.

See you at the Oscars.

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